Happy Birthday to Me

Birthday Cake

Hooray! I’m closer to Death!


Hello All:

Well, life continues to throw things my way. The killer Pontiac has been tamed for the time being. All it took was two grand to get her back on the road again. No worries. We all know that telecom workers are just swimming in cash, right?

Yesterday I went to get my license renewed at the DMV. I wanted to go two weeks ago, but it was closed on Saturday due to an upcoming holiday on Monday (don’t ask). And then last Saturday I couldn’t go there, because of the aforementioned screw-up at the dealership.

But yesterday I got there! And it was open! Hooray! After half an hour in line, I got up to the desk, where I was told by the very nice lady that I couldn’t renew my license because there was a hold on it.

“What a hold?” I asked.

Oh, that’s just when you haven’t paid a ticket and the folks in Springfield make sure you can’t renew your license.

And when was this supposed unpaid ticket?

From 2015.

So i went home, dug through my old check registers, and yes, I have a record of paying the ticket in July of 2015. And my bank people supplied a copy of the check. So I have proof, proof I say!

So sometime this week I get to go to the DuPage County Courthouse and show them these records, in the hope that they will release the hold on the license so I can FINALLY get my license renewed.

In other news, my BFF took me out for sushi tonight, and we saw “The Last Jedi.” Not bad, but not as good as “Rogue One.”

Also, a last minute update. My latest book has been published! So if you’re in the mood for a good son who wants to make sure his mother has a perfect birthday, check out “Mom’s Birthday Surprise.”

Moms Birthday Surprise.jpg

Here’s a link

Have a great week,





Living on Money That I Ain’t Made Yet

coal woman


Hello All.

I know it’s been some time since we talked, but it’s been a bumpy ride lately.

Last week, I regaled you with the tale of The Killer Pontiac. Today I was supposed to have the catalytic converter, the left front ball joint, and other sundry problems taken care of. So I got up at Way Too Early and drove the car up to the dealership and dropped it off, confident that by this afternoon, I would have a car that wasn’t constantly¬† flashing me an orange “check engine” light.

The the dealership called.


Apparently the dealership, with the sort of planning and foresight which made Potiac the brand we know and love today (extinct) managed to order THE WRONG EFFING CATALYTIC CONVERTER. You would think that someone would have said, hey, you know this part we ordered? Maybe we should check and make sure it’s the right one to fix a 2007 Pontiac G6.

HAHAHA of COURSE they didn’t. So I now have to wait another three days while they order the right part. I MIGHT get my car back on Tuesday. I might not. Who knows?

Also, the University of Illinois basketball team lost another dick-punch of a game to Nebraska, then got absolutely schooled by Wisconsin. They are 0-7 in conference and are the laughing stock of the Big Ten (which has fourteen teams. Don’t ask.)

What else?

Oh, yeah. I had a birthday on Monday. So I’ve successfully completed another trip around the sun. Yay.

Also, my website is now LIVE and I’m able to sell books directly from the site, without going through Smashwords, Amazon, or Barnes&Noble. That’s nice. In celebration of this fact, I’m running a sale until next Sunday. 25% off everything. here’s your link if you’re interested.


Tomorrow I’m going out with my best friend for a belated birthday celebration, which will include seeing the latest Star Wars movie and a trip to Beni Hana for sushi.

Lastly, the diet continues to drive me to unprecedented levels of fury. I would literally kill for bread, cheese, or bacon at this point. But on the good side, I only have thirteen pounds to go until I can resume my old eating habits. So, hooray?




My Car is Trying to Kill Me



So, readers of this humble blog will remember two things.

First, I plan to get a Tesla sometime in the next year.

Second, it has been colder than a blue-balled witch in Chicago this winter.

My car added two and two and came up with a plan called, ‘Let’s Kill Alana.’

First, it was the catalytic converter going wonky, which activated the check-engine light, and guaranteed that i wouldn’t pass an emissions test unless I dropped about $1500 into the car.

When I declined to make the repairs, she stepped up her game. Next came the battery (nearly) dying on a night when it was eleven below zero. After I replaced the battery with the help of the nice people at Auto Zone (goodbye $120), it was a blowout on the expressway on Tuesday night when I was coming back from visiting a friend. Nothing like trying to get to the shoulder with cars blowing their horns at you while they zoom past at eighty miles an hour.

There is also nothing like trying to change a flat in a mini-mall parking lot in the dark, in the freezing cold, at eight o’clock, when some idiot (Hi, Dad!) marked the wrong prong of the lug wrench as the one to use! Which meant that the lug nuts GOT STUCK IN THE EFFING WRENCH when I tried to remove them.


So, long story short, I then spent another $500 on a new set of tires.

Like I said, the car is trying to kill me.

In other news, I am working on a new story while waiting for the artwork for “Polly Prude and the Virgin.” I really like the concept. The working title is “Mom’s Birthday Surprise.” Little does Maggie know what a BIG surprise her son is going to give her.

Hee hee.

By the way, my website now allows you to purchase stories from me directly, rather than going through Amazon or Smashwords. So if you’re inclined to but some erotica, and want to make sure I get a higher percentage of the money, here’s your chance!


Have a great night,



Too Damn Cold


Chicago in January


So I realize it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but, too be honest, I’ve been more worried about not freezing to death than about the blog.

So right now it’s January 6th. It has not been above freezing in Chicago since before freaking Christmas. We’ve been below zero almost every night during that span.

To give you an idea, on January 2nd, the temperature when I got up was 14 below. Add in the wind chill, and it was 29 below.

That, friends and neighbors, is what we call real fucking cold. It was so cold that the train line I take in to the city for work was literally frozen. The switches failed entirely. So I had to go to the emergency back-up office and work from there.

The emergency back-up office was also as cold as hell, but at least I was able to drive there.

Let’s see. What else? Work has been a blue-assed bitch. My boss has come down with some sort of viral infection, so I was taking on her workload all week. And since the quarter just ended, that was all sorts of fun.

On a lighter note, me and a pair of friends drove down to the University of Illinois, our alma mater, just before New Years. We went to a barbecue place I know and drove around campus and watched a basketball game, which was cool. Illinois actually won, too, which was a bonus.

On the erotica front, I finally finished “Aphrodite’s Daughter,” which was a challenge. I loved the concept of the book. But the actual execution was difficult. I finally realized that what I had originally planned (three books) simply wasn’t going to work. So three became two. And can I say I simply adore the cover that my team came up with?

See the book here.

In other book news, I just completed my newest book. “Polly Prude and the Virgin” is the second of my Polly Prude series. I really like the idea of a series of stories loosely tied together, but which doesn’t have any sort of long-term arc. I am now starting a new story (“Mom’s Birthday Surprise.”)

Lastly, I am on my annual post-Christmas diet. See, how it works is like this. On my father’s side of the family I have the potential for long-term weight issues. However, I can’t deal with watching my weight all the time. This came to a head several years ago, when I realized none of my pants fit.

So I made a deal. I eat whatever the hell I want. But after Christmas every year, I go on a diet to get back down to a reasonable weight. ‘Reasonable’ is defined by myself.

This year I have to lose about twenty pounds. I expect it to take until late February or early March. As of right now, I have 18 pounds to go. So I am eating salads and soup and those Lean Cuisine meals and hating every damn minute of it.

On that note, I will go. But if you feel like making me happy, you can click on that link up the screen and buy my book. And maybe some others, too.

Happy New Year!