Sale!

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Hello, All.

And yes, it has been a long time since we’ve talked. How are you?

Good, good. Glad to hear it. Me? Can’t complain. Except about the Chicago weather, which seems to be determined to live up to every negative stereotype it has. If someone can please explain to me why we are expecting snow on the fifth of April, I would be interested in hearing it.

Me, I blame evil spirits.

Not much going on here at the House That Porn Helps to Finance. The weather has been uniformly miserable. But, on the plus side, I am slowly getting my financial house in order. Two credit cards have been completely paid off in the last two months, and I have my steely gaze fixed on another. Watch out, Home Depot card! You’re next!

This is, of course, in preparation for the coming of the Tesla, which will replace the Pontiac That Wants To Kill Me. Yes, the Evil Pontiac is still taking up space in the garage. No, it hasn’t tried to murder me lately.

But that’s the thing with predators, you know. They lie motionless in the grass, waiting patiently, as some unwary creature separates itself from the herd. And then, when you least expect it…

BAM!

Anyway, I am STILL waiting for Tesla to send me an e-mail telling me it’s time to actually order my car. Until then I have to wait, and drool uncontrollably whenever one passes me on the street.

Which leads me to the main point of this increasingly pointless post.

I AM HAVING A SALE ON MY WEBSITE OMG!!!

My wonderful publisher, Jo, recently updated my website so that interested readers can buy directly from me, rather than going through Smashwords or Amazon or Barnes & noble. The upside is that I get a better royalty payment. The downside is that VERY FEW people know about my website.

So here’s the deal. Buy a book at http://www.alanachurch.com in the month of April, and you will get a book of equal or lesser value FREE. Buy a book a day, walk away from April with THIRTY FREE BOOKS, all chock-full of wonderful erotic nastiness.

How can you resist? Short answer, you can’t.

So go now, go tomorrow, go this weekend, and BUY! Also, tell your friends, family, random strangers on the street, and send out messages on your social networking apps, all so that I WILL BECOME WEALTHY AND NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Here’s a link, and thanks for your patronage.

My website

 

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Sorry Not Sorry

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Hello All:

Well, it’s been a few crazy weeks here at the House That Porn Built (or at least, the House That Porn Occasionally Helps Finance).

Starting off, I finally got my license renewed. The good news is that I only had to take half a day off work, pay thirteen bucks to remove the hold, drive to the DMV, retake the driver’s examination for the first time since I was seventeen, pay another thirty bucks for the privilege, and wait two weeks for the license to come in the mail.

But now I have it. Huzzah!

Two weeks ago I drove down home to get my taxes done. My uncle is a CPA and knows all the tricks. Remember friends. It’s not tax evasion. It’s tax avoidance.

While UI was home, I had lunch with my dad (he’s doing much better, and thanks for all the well wishes you’ve sent his way), visited my mom and her husband and two of my brother, and also took in a minor-league hockey game in Springfield.

Then I drove home, putting nearly six hundred miles on the Killer Pontiac in one day. Whew!

I got my tax refund back earlier this week, which allowed me to make a payment to my publisher for the website she helped build. (Here’s a link). If you ever feel like buying some of my books, I recommend you do it here, as the royalties are better than at Smashwords or Amazon. and share it with your friends! They won’t think you’re gross or pervy, honest!

The biggest news, however, and one of the reasons it has been so long since my latest update, has been some ongoing drama at work.

Right now my job is as a ‘team lead’ for a telecommunications company here in the Chicago area. Last winter, we had some major drama, with a lot of our middle management being let go. The manager of our team got the short haircut and we got a new manager, who is doing a great job.

Well, some of the employees who were brought in by the former manger weren’t exactly thrilled by the change. Since they were being forcibly re-introduced to concepts like ‘work’ and ‘accountability.’ And they didn’t see why they had to follow our procedures. After all, they had been managers at AT&T! It said so on their resume! Why should I have to do what Alana says? She doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

And so on. And on. And on.

Well, one of these ladies, let’s call her “Betty,” was already on thin ice due to the issues above. For months, her former team lead (not me) and her current team lead (me) had been documenting her problems, and trying to coach her to do a better job. We weren’t actively trying to ease her out the door. We were just preparing for what we knew was pretty much inevitable.

But when Betty started making physical threats against members of management, in the hearing of other people who didn’t much care for her attitude, well, it didn’t take long for the hammer to fall.

I’ve never been part of firing someone. And I’d rather not do it again. Though I know I’ll probably have to eventually. Still, it was absolutely no fun at all.

Anyway, Betty is gone, and good riddance. Bitch.

In other news, I have another book out, and a new collaboration with the Bad Girls of Erotica.  Here are books covers and links:

First, “Asian Infatuation.” A young adopted woman comes home from college and decides her younger brother is just the man to scratch her itches.

Asian Infatuation (003)

The link is here.

And also, “My Naughty Valentine.”

My Naughty Valentine

And another link.

That’s about all for now. Today is going to be spent doing some cleaning around the house, editing my latest book (“Taming the Royal Brat,” and trying not to go on an eating binge. February is DEFINITELY the wrong month to try to lose weight, but I only have five pounds to go!

Be well,

Alana.

 

Happy Birthday to Me

Birthday Cake

Hooray! I’m closer to Death!

 

Hello All:

Well, life continues to throw things my way. The killer Pontiac has been tamed for the time being. All it took was two grand to get her back on the road again. No worries. We all know that telecom workers are just swimming in cash, right?

Yesterday I went to get my license renewed at the DMV. I wanted to go two weeks ago, but it was closed on Saturday due to an upcoming holiday on Monday (don’t ask). And then last Saturday I couldn’t go there, because of the aforementioned screw-up at the dealership.

But yesterday I got there! And it was open! Hooray! After half an hour in line, I got up to the desk, where I was told by the very nice lady that I couldn’t renew my license because there was a hold on it.

“What a hold?” I asked.

Oh, that’s just when you haven’t paid a ticket and the folks in Springfield make sure you can’t renew your license.

And when was this supposed unpaid ticket?

From 2015.

So i went home, dug through my old check registers, and yes, I have a record of paying the ticket in July of 2015. And my bank people supplied a copy of the check. So I have proof, proof I say!

So sometime this week I get to go to the DuPage County Courthouse and show them these records, in the hope that they will release the hold on the license so I can FINALLY get my license renewed.

In other news, my BFF took me out for sushi tonight, and we saw “The Last Jedi.” Not bad, but not as good as “Rogue One.”

Also, a last minute update. My latest book has been published! So if you’re in the mood for a good son who wants to make sure his mother has a perfect birthday, check out “Mom’s Birthday Surprise.”

Moms Birthday Surprise.jpg

Here’s a link

Have a great week,

Alana

 

 

Living on Money That I Ain’t Made Yet

coal woman

 

Hello All.

I know it’s been some time since we talked, but it’s been a bumpy ride lately.

Last week, I regaled you with the tale of The Killer Pontiac. Today I was supposed to have the catalytic converter, the left front ball joint, and other sundry problems taken care of. So I got up at Way Too Early and drove the car up to the dealership and dropped it off, confident that by this afternoon, I would have a car that wasn’t constantly  flashing me an orange “check engine” light.

The the dealership called.

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Apparently the dealership, with the sort of planning and foresight which made Potiac the brand we know and love today (extinct) managed to order THE WRONG EFFING CATALYTIC CONVERTER. You would think that someone would have said, hey, you know this part we ordered? Maybe we should check and make sure it’s the right one to fix a 2007 Pontiac G6.

HAHAHA of COURSE they didn’t. So I now have to wait another three days while they order the right part. I MIGHT get my car back on Tuesday. I might not. Who knows?

Also, the University of Illinois basketball team lost another dick-punch of a game to Nebraska, then got absolutely schooled by Wisconsin. They are 0-7 in conference and are the laughing stock of the Big Ten (which has fourteen teams. Don’t ask.)

What else?

Oh, yeah. I had a birthday on Monday. So I’ve successfully completed another trip around the sun. Yay.

Also, my website is now LIVE and I’m able to sell books directly from the site, without going through Smashwords, Amazon, or Barnes&Noble. That’s nice. In celebration of this fact, I’m running a sale until next Sunday. 25% off everything. here’s your link if you’re interested.

http://alanachurch.com/library/index.php

Tomorrow I’m going out with my best friend for a belated birthday celebration, which will include seeing the latest Star Wars movie and a trip to Beni Hana for sushi.

Lastly, the diet continues to drive me to unprecedented levels of fury. I would literally kill for bread, cheese, or bacon at this point. But on the good side, I only have thirteen pounds to go until I can resume my old eating habits. So, hooray?

Later,

Alana

 

My Car is Trying to Kill Me

Christine-1958-Plymouth-Fury-christine-37877489-1322-852

She’s…waiting

So, readers of this humble blog will remember two things.

First, I plan to get a Tesla sometime in the next year.

Second, it has been colder than a blue-balled witch in Chicago this winter.

My car added two and two and came up with a plan called, ‘Let’s Kill Alana.’

First, it was the catalytic converter going wonky, which activated the check-engine light, and guaranteed that i wouldn’t pass an emissions test unless I dropped about $1500 into the car.

When I declined to make the repairs, she stepped up her game. Next came the battery (nearly) dying on a night when it was eleven below zero. After I replaced the battery with the help of the nice people at Auto Zone (goodbye $120), it was a blowout on the expressway on Tuesday night when I was coming back from visiting a friend. Nothing like trying to get to the shoulder with cars blowing their horns at you while they zoom past at eighty miles an hour.

There is also nothing like trying to change a flat in a mini-mall parking lot in the dark, in the freezing cold, at eight o’clock, when some idiot (Hi, Dad!) marked the wrong prong of the lug wrench as the one to use! Which meant that the lug nuts GOT STUCK IN THE EFFING WRENCH when I tried to remove them.

Sigh.

So, long story short, I then spent another $500 on a new set of tires.

Like I said, the car is trying to kill me.

In other news, I am working on a new story while waiting for the artwork for “Polly Prude and the Virgin.” I really like the concept. The working title is “Mom’s Birthday Surprise.” Little does Maggie know what a BIG surprise her son is going to give her.

Hee hee.

By the way, my website now allows you to purchase stories from me directly, rather than going through Amazon or Smashwords. So if you’re inclined to but some erotica, and want to make sure I get a higher percentage of the money, here’s your chance!

http://www.alanachurch.com/library/

Have a great night,

Alana

 

Too Damn Cold

599660-antarctica

Chicago in January

 

So I realize it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but, too be honest, I’ve been more worried about not freezing to death than about the blog.

So right now it’s January 6th. It has not been above freezing in Chicago since before freaking Christmas. We’ve been below zero almost every night during that span.

To give you an idea, on January 2nd, the temperature when I got up was 14 below. Add in the wind chill, and it was 29 below.

That, friends and neighbors, is what we call real fucking cold. It was so cold that the train line I take in to the city for work was literally frozen. The switches failed entirely. So I had to go to the emergency back-up office and work from there.

The emergency back-up office was also as cold as hell, but at least I was able to drive there.

Let’s see. What else? Work has been a blue-assed bitch. My boss has come down with some sort of viral infection, so I was taking on her workload all week. And since the quarter just ended, that was all sorts of fun.

On a lighter note, me and a pair of friends drove down to the University of Illinois, our alma mater, just before New Years. We went to a barbecue place I know and drove around campus and watched a basketball game, which was cool. Illinois actually won, too, which was a bonus.

On the erotica front, I finally finished “Aphrodite’s Daughter,” which was a challenge. I loved the concept of the book. But the actual execution was difficult. I finally realized that what I had originally planned (three books) simply wasn’t going to work. So three became two. And can I say I simply adore the cover that my team came up with?

See the book here.

In other book news, I just completed my newest book. “Polly Prude and the Virgin” is the second of my Polly Prude series. I really like the idea of a series of stories loosely tied together, but which doesn’t have any sort of long-term arc. I am now starting a new story (“Mom’s Birthday Surprise.”)

Lastly, I am on my annual post-Christmas diet. See, how it works is like this. On my father’s side of the family I have the potential for long-term weight issues. However, I can’t deal with watching my weight all the time. This came to a head several years ago, when I realized none of my pants fit.

So I made a deal. I eat whatever the hell I want. But after Christmas every year, I go on a diet to get back down to a reasonable weight. ‘Reasonable’ is defined by myself.

This year I have to lose about twenty pounds. I expect it to take until late February or early March. As of right now, I have 18 pounds to go. So I am eating salads and soup and those Lean Cuisine meals and hating every damn minute of it.

On that note, I will go. But if you feel like making me happy, you can click on that link up the screen and buy my book. And maybe some others, too.

Happy New Year!

Alana

 

Back in the Saddle

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Ride em, cowboy.

Merry Christmas!

Yeah, it’s about a week late, but as my old buddy Jim Anchower would say, I’ve been busier than a one-legged lady in an ass-kickin’ contest.

(See here for more words of wisdom from Jim Anchower.)

So, the night before Christmas Eve, while I was celebrating the alma mater’s fifth straight win over the soulless denizens of the University of Missouri (Hey, MIZNOZ, we OWN you!) the old Dell went crapped out on me.

To give you all an idea as to how old this computer was, please bear in mind that it was running on Windows XP.

Which originally was released in 1998.

Yeah. That’s old.

Multiple reboots failed to return the computer from the dead. Luckily, Best Buy was open at 7 AM on Christmas Eve. So I went and put a new computer on the store credit card. And they were able to access the hard drive from the old computer, so I could transfer over all my in-progress stories to the new computer, along with the finished products from all the way back to 2015.

Trust me, ladies. There is nothing like the feeling of leaning over the shoulder of a nice guy from the Geek Squad and pointing out the word docs you want to save, some of which have titles like “My Horny MILF Neighbor,” and “Polly Prude Plays Dress-Up.”

I have to say they didn’t bat an eye. Of course, compared to some things these people probably see, my porn is most likely fairly tame.

Thank god for non-judgmental tech-support, though. That’s all I can say.

Later that day, I drove home for Christmas Eve with the family. We had snow, so the roads were a mess. But I got home with no problem, spent several hours with my parents, brothers, and various nieces, nephews, and in-laws without strangling any of them, and got back to Chicago early Christmas Day.

The last few days has been spent catching up. I set up the new computer on Tuesday night, which includes new speakers which range from ‘nice’ to ‘oh Jesus Christ my ears are bleeding that’s so loud.’

Other than that, not much else new. It’s been really dang cold. Like, freeze-your-tongue-to-the-flagpole cold. Seven below yesterday morning. And we’ve got more snow on the way tonight, then ANOTHER cold front coming through.

I have anew story coming as soon as I finish my final edit and the artwork comes through. Keep your eyes peeled for “Aphrodite’s Daughter.”

Oh, and by the way, I have a post-Christmas sale going on at Smashwords. So if you want some high-quality smut for 25% off, here’s your chance.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/AlanaChurch

Have a great New Year!

Alana

 

The Ragu Cure

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So those of you who follow my twitter feed (@churchoferotica) will probably know that I have been feeling less than chipper the past few days. A sore throat on Tuesday turned into a a full-on head cold by Thursday morning, and I spent most of Thursday afternoon at work begging for someone to kill me.

The good news is that our company gave us yesterday off. The bad news is that the cold didn’t feel like taking the day off as well. By yesterday evening I was swimming in a disgusting heap of half-used tissues, empty packs of Dayquil and Benadryl, and glasses of half-finished orange juice.

Just the idea of eating was enough to turn my stomach, since my entire body seemed to have become nothing more than a machine to produce immense quantities of snot and phlegm.

But you know the old saying, “Feed a cold potentially lethal ragu spaghetti sauce, because it will flee your body in horror.”

For no good reason, I decided I wanted spaghetti for supper. Unfortunately, the only spaghetti sauce in the house was at LEAST six months old, and (as per usual) was only half full.

But when a casual look revealed no teeming hordes of fungus on the inside of the jar, I used it, in the hope that an as-yet-undiscovered antibiotic might be hidden inside, and it might do battle against the dastardly forces of Sickness and Fatigue.

VICTORY!

After further self-medication consisting of several bottles of Chicago’s finest microbrew, I retired to my bedroom. At nine o’clock. And I slept, off and on, until seven this morning. Where I woke to find myself, if not in the pink of health, feeling quite substantially better than I was the previous night.

Today has been spent baking for the family Christmas Eve get-together tomorrow (we might get snow!)

Wishing you and yours a safe, happy, and germ-free Christmas,

Alana

Rattle and Hum

G6

Sure. Pretend you’re not jealous. You’re not fooling anyone

So the good news is that the old man is home from the hospital, which is actually a surprise. I called him last night, hoping for a couple of minutes of conversation before he got tired out. Instead, he told me is at home. And happy to be there.

I called him again tonight and found that he was at his local watering hole with my brother, his wife, and their daughter, and he was as chipper as could be. So Christmas is going to be a lot more jolly than I was expecting it to be a few days ago.

The bad news is that I think my car is about to give up the ghost. It’s a Pontiac G6, with about 120K on it. I bought it brand new back in 2007, the first car I had ever bought new. An almost-correct picture is above, though I don’t have a spoiler on mine.

It is also the last internal-combustion car I will ever own. It has developed a mysterious rattle in the engine compartment, and those rarely turn out to be nothing. I’ll get it fixed, if the cost isn’t too prohibitive, and then wait for Tesla to let me know when it is time for me to design and order the Model 3 I put a deposit on last spring.

Model3

Oh, Baby. Come on over here. Let me…touch you.

That’s about it for now. I have finished my latest story. “Aphrodite’s Daughter” is the sequel to “Aphrodite’s Lover.” I like the way it turned out, though the ending needs some tweaking. I have my publisher and her artist working on a cover, but i hope to have it published before New Year’s.

Peace out,

Alana

Toot Toot!

TootToot

How about some more beans, Mr. Taggert?

“I’d say you boys have had enough!”

 

So apparently the old man is farting again.

It’s crazy that something which embarrassed me almost to tears when I was a teenager is now something I was praying for, but there you are.

So now he goes on a clear diet, which means water, tea, jello, broth…you know. Things you can see through. If that goes well, then he’ll graduate to soft foods like oatmeal and scrambled eggs. And hopefully be released before Christmas, before he drives the entire medical staff crazy.

My brother is making noise about having him stay at my brother’s place. Which is fine. But I wouldn’t be willing to bet a nickel that it actually happens. My dad is stubborn to the point of parody. So he’ll string Mike along, and then insist on staying at his own house, no matter how much it drives Mike crazy.

In other news, I’ve had a pretty good run on Smashwords over the last few days. But not many sales from the latest anthology I put out with four other authors. So if you like lesbian erotica, here’s your chance!

No Boys Allowed

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/768327